Thursday morning I drove into Austin to attend the last day of my Bible Study Fellowship class. Eight years culminating. Rain was pelting my car as I stared at people who were at bus stops, walking, or pushing broken down motorcycles. I thanked God for my old car. We had been in the worst drought on record in some time and I thanked God for the rain. My mind drifted to Laura Story's song Blessings. She wrote it about her husband's brain tumor. I sat there in my car outside the church with the rain beating against my car so hard that it sounded like the tin roof over my studio. "What if your blessings come through raindrops . . .," typed into my twitter. Words from Laura's song. The next line echoed in my head, "What if healing comes through tears?" Little did I know what God was about to show me that day.
I sat in the sanctuary listening to teary-eyed women share about the extensive glory God had shared with them through His word the past year. I listened to the Holy Spirit whisper things deep into my own heart. "Your turn," God says. Standing, I thank the women who show up to share the gospel of Jesus Christ with my daughter. I told of the babies I had lost and how I don't turn loose of my two sugars easily. I told of how God had spoken to me in Isaiah 58:10 and led me to love on a homeless man. God opened my heart up in that moment to realize a very profound truth. Giving it some background, I have lived through multiple types of childhood abuse, 11 total marriages by my parents, losing two brothers, losing six babies, and so forth. However, the pain I experienced in my church the past year was by far the most agonizing I had experienced. I walked into that BSF class in September with a knife in my back that went through to my belly. On that morning as I spoke and God shook the heavens, I quoted that verse from Isaiah, "If you pour out what you have to sustain your life on the needy and afflicted, then your light will rise in darkness." My healing had culminated in that moment. As I have sought to pour out the love of God on those around me, God was busy mending. As I met Jesus in Isaiah, what seems to be a fifth gospel, God was knitting together. All of this came together like a mighty thunderclap and I knew I was healed far beyond how deeply I was broken. "What if the trials of this life are your mercies in disguise?"
God bless you...I have read through nearly all of your posts. I remember thinking about how peaceful and serene everything seemed in your life. But as I read on..and kept reading..all of these tragedies unfolded..I cried. I cried because you seemed so peaceful despite all you had endured. I couldn't imagine going through some of your experiences. I've had my own horrors,but I am sad for what you have gone through. I believe your babies are in heaven. I say prayers for you and your family..
Thank you for your kind words.
One thing I have learned, and am learning...is that the roots of darkness grow deep in people. Every negative word or action..plants a seed of darkness. But when we begin to spread the light..the love of Jesus..the light grows..That darkness cannot live in the light of God's love. By spreading light, our roots begin to grow. I look at you, and I can see your roots. Such beautiful roots. :) Just thought I'd share...
Stephanie, this was a very good post and encouraging soon. It is hopeful and helpful to think of the trials in life as mercies.
I haven't been visiting many blogs for some months so I'm doing some catching up. I haven't read about what has gone on in your church that was so painful, but I hope whatever it was/is, it is finding resolution somehow and peace is being restored.
God's blessings on your family.
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