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Sunday, November 18, 2007

Brokenness. Surrender. Holiness.

This blog is normally updated each Tuesday.
Have a blessed Thanksgiving.
The air is somber at my house this week. God is breaking me. The enemy is trying to squash me. I find myself quite tired. I keep hearing this voice asking,"are you sure you're ready for this?" My mind takes me through a series of pictures of people God uses in a public way. There are many Christian people who are in the public eye and it doesn't effect them like this. It really is glamorous. Their ministry is much more self-help than holiness. Then there is this remnant, a sub-culture, that is face down and knee deep in intercession all of the time.

Brokenness. Surrender. Holiness.
Brokenness. Surrender. Holiness.
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It is an unending process of yielding your life for God's glory. These people are largely tired. I am not sure they sleep much. They are generally empty and have absolutely nothing to bring to the table. "But God..." I love verses that start that way. He makes the impossible possible. He makes the dark light. He speaks. He leads. He acts. He. He. He. I take a deep breath and I know that nothing could prepare me for where I am about to go. I have no idea where He is leading. I have no idea what I will look like, feel like, act like, sound like at the end of all of this . . . but I have to go. I need to go. I crave surrender and authenticity. I have to let go. No more shallow breaths or shallow life on this road. There is no intercession boot camp or "how to live broken, surrendered lives" seminar that could get someone geared up for this. I cannot do this. I am incapable and without words. My small, tiny voice has no power here. "Am I sure that I am ready for this?" Absolutely not. "But God..."


I find myself in my flesh wanting someone, anyone to say good job or thanks for working so hard. In my spirit, I want to hear,"well done, baby." Why does it hurt when you hear either one? The healing words of God are beyond comparison. When He speaks good things old lies in us are broken and it hurts because we have held onto those lies for so long that they seem a part of us. Why me?
.
"I know that the Lord set apart the godly for Himself;
The Lord will hear when I call to Him."
Psalm 4:3


Me? I think I tend to look more like a neat "sweater set" kind of Christian than a wild locust eating John the Baptist kind of Christian. I have a feeling that God is about to rock my world. I mean shake and disjoint. Like Anne says,"It's about to get Acts 4 Pentecostal up in here." I hear,"sell your house." It's not sell your house and then... just sell it. Freedom.
I took this with my camera phone.

8 comments:

anne said...

this is truly beautiful Stephanie.
like Mary who was not only pregnant with the Savior, she was pregnant with the promise of the miracles he would do... she waited many years to see that, she pondered and treasured what was to come. be like Mary.

Mel said...

You may feel like a 'sweater set' kind of Christian but inside I do believe you're a locust eater!

Your surrender is an inspiration.

Tiffany Atwood said...

You have never been a "sweater-set" Christian to me. You inspire so many women around you to pursue Jesus fervently, authentically and with a fiery passion. God has given you much influence and He is faithful to deliver you out of this season. He is preparing you for what He has prepared for you. As Beth Moore would say, "keep your chin up to the sky". Give your face to Him (Daniel 9).

22One7.org said...

Thank you for all of the encouragement. I actually don't want to get out of this place. Brokenness is where I am most useful to God. More Him. Less me. I love you all dearly.

Emily said...

Brokeness, surrender, holiness.

I like that.

I anxiously await hearing how our God is going to "rock" your world. Get the box cutters - it's gonna be a whole new world/life, right?

I love you and miss you.

Michael said...

So Stephanie I am following through...I read the last three entries, not just lines this time. Good stuff; it feels weird being your only male responder. I identify with ministering from almost/in-the-process-of-being-restored brokeness and having the Holy Spirit uncover things in my heart that continue my weakness. Again good stuff. P.S. tell Denbigh I am free for some chain smoking next week.

22One7.org said...

ha. I will try to get more random male worship leaders to leave comments on my blog. Thanks. I hope you and your wife are having a wonderful Thanksgiving.

Does everyone think brokeness is something we should be delivered from? I think God has shown me that when we daily choose brokeness we are free to be effective. Yeah, I'll blog about that. Tune in next time. :o)

Tiffany Atwood said...

When I posted my comment about God delivering you, it wasn't about removing you from being broken by Him. I think it was from being tired and somber and from the onslaught attack from the evil one. But man, after reading your post above, God has really had me thinking about deliverance and from what we might pray to be delivered and how and why. This has been most engaging as I cleaned my boys bathroom and my kitchen today. Thanks, Stephanie!

Love you,
Tiff