I just googled how to fold a fitted sheet. It seemed funny to me. I am not sure why. I think my own life is some big dramatic satire I watch and run commentary on. I don't even feel like writing. I wonder about many things. Why am I having such trouble carrying a child to term? Not viable. It sounds like I am broken. I don't want to be gossiped about or end up in any letters. This happened to me before and I found it humiliating. Controversy is currently stirring about me. I didn't want this today. Tears. I wonder about prophecy. Being given a word from the Lord does not entitle us to be unkind. How did Isaiah do it? Jeremiah? From what I understand, no one received Jeremiah's words. Was he less of a prophet? Did he say things the wrong way? His prophesies came true, believed upon or not. Where is the debate in that? What do I do now? How do we move on from here? Does anyone care? If I was lukewarm, would I yell at people who preached against it? Have I? Have you? Where is God leading us? In Hosea, inability to carry a child to term was a sign that God's people did not love God and were spiritually unable to carry the life force given to them? What does my womb speak to the church? Are we viable? Are we able to sustain life? Are we lukewarm? Will we be spit out of His mouth? Will He say He never knew us? Who are we trying to please? Do we really want God to change us? Do we truly want to enjoy Him? I stare at my daughter. Could she ever understand what I feel for her? Can my husband? Am I loving enough? Am I kind enough? I don't want to take for granted one second we have together. I think of Francis Chan's profile of the lukewarm in Crazy Love. He states,
"Do not assume you are good soil."
"Has your relationship with God actually changed the way you live?"
Has mine? He tells us to test our lives.
Those words he borrowed from Christ.
"Lukewarm people attend church fairly regularly, are perceived as good Christians, give money to charity as long as it doesn't impinge on their standard of living, choose what is popular over what is right when they are in conflict, are moved by stories about people who do radical things for Christ but fail to act, rarely share their faith, say they love Jesus and that He is a part of their lives, try to assure you that radical devotion is not possible for the average person, think about life on earth much more than eternity, are thankful for their luxuries, feel called to minister to people in their socioeconomic status, do anything to keep from feeling guilty, play it safe, were baptized, structure their lives so they do not have to live by faith, drink and swear less than the common man, and equate their partially sanitized lives to holiness.
Their lives wouldn't look much different if they stopped believing in God."
- Francis Chan
"Not everyone who says to me, 'Lord, Lord,' will enter the kingdom of heaven, but only he who does the will of my Father who is in heaven." -Matthew 7:21
"So, because you are lukewarm—neither hot nor cold—I am about to spit you out of my mouth." -Revelation 3:16
"Salt is good, but if it loses its saltiness, how can it be made salty again? It is fit neither for the soil nor for the manure pile; it is thrown out.
"He who has ears to hear, let him hear." -Luke 14:34-35
"Or do you show contempt for the riches of his kindness, tolerance and patience, not realizing that God's kindness leads you toward repentance?" -Romans 2:4
Francis was not saying that the blood of Christ is not able to clean the vilest of sinners. He is saying many of us have never allowed it to. Do we serve leftovers to a holy God? What do you want to do now? What would our lives look like if we were in love with our heavenly Father? Much different.
They must look much different.